It’s been ages since I’ve written anything.
The end of summer seemed to swoop down on me and take me away. I was struggling with being less than 100% physically. I was struggling with what I had to do as an employee, a mother and a wife to get prepared for the inevitable return to school and the hustle and bustle that Autumn brings. All this among a large amount of judgment (from others) and shame (from myself) for my state of ability. It stalled my ability to produce anything worth reading. It took a mountain of support to help me through that. And lots of yoga and some deep meditation.
I saw a beautiful post the other day about how the leaves of the trees wait all year till the fall so they can show their true colours, and we humans, just like trees go through our own “Fall”. I found this interesting, because the Autumn has ALWAYS been my favourite time of year. However, this year I am struggling to find my true colours. Dammit Cindy Lauper, I NEED your help ASAP!!!
Here’s the deal: I have put so much effort, like basically a decade of my life into cultivating my career. I have been so proud of the things I have been able to create. Over the past year, I have watched everything in a particular area of my work-life (every project, every idea, my curriculum, my research, EVERYTHING) be given to or usurped by someone else. Or the credit has been given to someone else. Or I haven’t been able to see the project through to fruition. The list basically goes on and on. No matter who I speak to about it, it’s basically “yeah, s#$t happens…get over it”. Insert growly face….turn the table over…throw a shoe (hahahaha). Seriously though, have you ever felt like a grasshopper caught in a jar? Like you keep jumping and you have super-strong legs but no matter how hard you try you just can’t get out? That is me. It has been so frustrating.
Just like in sports (and in sports psychology) when our attention becomes so narrowed, it’s detrimental. We miss things in the periphery that may aid in our success. I have been reminded of this lesson time and time again this year (by myself and by others). When the universe won’t allow things in one area to work now matter how hard you try, and no matter how high you are jumping, perhaps you should broaden your scope. There has to be something in your periphery. This must be the time for rest, not jumps (Lao Tzu throw back).
That being said, there is an Autumn for a reason. The colours ARE beautiful but the trees are going into hibernation; almost dying. It’s part of the natural cycle. I spend some of my time facilitating Danielle LaPorte’s work. Teaching people to pay attention to their Core Desired Feelings; to live paying attention to how they want to feel. Do I really want to feel like that grasshopper? Do I really want to feel robbed, or under-appreciated? Do I really want to feel invisible, restricted or shut-up? No. I don’t. I don’t think anyone wakes up wanting to feel that way.
I am lucky enough to have seen beautiful colour (and opportunities) in my periphery because I am not a one-trick pony! So I am deciding to have COURAGE. I am focusing on what my PASSIONS are. I am choosing to do things that NOURISH my soul, and CALM my senses. I am acting like a STABLE WARRIOR. This is my Autumn. I am going into a career hibernation in one area of my life. Not a death per se. But a hibernation to focus on what my next 10 years will look like and to make sure I don’t end up as a grasshopper stuck in a jar again.
So I am going to enjoy my Autumn. The changing of my colours and learn to let go of my Summer. My beautiful leaves may fall. But they will bloom again, because that is my cycle of growth and renewal.